Effects and strategies for dealing with a child's loss
| Age |
Child's stage of development |
Effects of loss |
Strategies for dealing with loss |
| 0-1 years |
- To develop a sense of trust in the world through needs being met in the same way.
- To organise perceptions of world into a meaningful pattern through familiarity and repeated, reliable responses.
- To develop a strong attachment to one person or small number of familiar people who can act as protection or comfort.
|
- Child's basic sense of trust in the external world is shaken.
- Child becomes confused or fearful.
- Child becomes irritable and is not easy to comfort through usual methods.
|
- Difficult to prepare child because of a lack of language.
- Routines, ways of reacting to a child need to be similar (such as feeding).
- Two caregivers need to work together.
- Need to transfer familiar objects (sounds, smells, touch).
|
| 1-3 years |
- To use a familiar figure as a secure base from which to separate and explore the world.
- To increase self-confidence in order to develop psychologically and physically.
|
- Child loses trust in parents's ability or willingness to protect.
- Child may become 'clingy' - child does not trust the parent not to disappear, cannot develop appropriate autonomy.
- Child may withhold affection as a result of their lack of trust of the parent.
|
- A gradual handover of parenting task helps to transfer the child's attachment.
- Communicate with your child about their transition and adoption through basic language and expression.
- Post-placement contact with previous carers helps reassure your child that
important people do not just disappear.
|
| 3-5 years |
- To gain increasing independence and self-sufficiency within the home - enjoyable separation from care givers outside the home.
- To question and begin to understand the differences between themself and others.
- To move through 'magical' thinking to more accurate cause and effect.
|
- Child can blame themselves for their transition to their new family.
- Child sees themself as bad and others as good.
- Child is not able to become self-sufficient or enjoy independence.
|
- Explain the adoption repeatedly to your child.
- Be alert for misconceptions.
|
| 5-10 years |
- To master problems encountered outside the family environment, such as school, the playground.
- Need to be free of anxiety about the home in order to become independent.
|
- Child is not able to move on at this stage.
- May become anxious about leaving home.
- May play with younger children in a more secure setting.
|
- Communicate with your child and encourage your child to talk about their feelings.
- Involve your child in decision-making to build self-confidence and control.
|
| Over 10 years |
- To differentiate themself from family - move away, develop own values and self controls.
|
- Faced with conflicting tasks of making new attachments and moving away.
|
- Give your child as much control as possible while providing appropriate protection and support.
- Use conflict resolution to provide attachment.
|
Refer to the list of suggested reading for further information on the effects of loss and strategies for dealing with your child's loss.
We recommend that adoptive parents consider the following suggestions for helping their adopted child come to terms with their loss:
- Embrace your child's ethnicity and culture, and develop your child's pride in both their ethnicity and physical appearance.
- Maintain a positive awareness of your child's cultural identity in your daily life.
- Be open about the positive differences between your child and other family members.
- Encourage your child to be open and honest about their positive and negative feelings about their adoption.
- Consider your geographical location and the impact this could have on your adopted child.
- Be open about the adoption and your child's possible future contact with their birth family.
Research suggests that a child has the best chance of developing a healthy self-esteem when their adoptive parents are positive, loving, encouraging, open, honest and require no gratitude from their child.
Top of page
- Last updated
- 19 October 2007
