The grief process
The process of grief is essentially the same no matter what the loss is. However, the duration and intensity of grief depends on the degree in which the person's sense of self is involved.
There are five stages of the grief process, with the fifth stage being a final acceptance of the loss. It is essential that adoptive parents acknowledge and understand the stages of grief that their child will experience.
The five stages of grief are:
- 1. Denial
- 2. Anger and guilt
- 3. Bargaining
- 4. Sadness and despair
- 5. Acceptance
- Activity 6 - Soo's story
1. Denial
The main characteristic of this stage of grief is a failure to acknowledge the loss. For adopted children, they may learn to mask painful feelings by censoring curiosity about their past.
Denial may also include feelings of shock, disbelief, numbness and withdrawal, and arises when a child's world has been upset or they no longer feel that they are in control of their own life. This can occur when an adopted child reaches the ages of seven to nine years, when they begin to understand that adoption involves loss.
Research suggests that adopted children may perform at a lower academic level during this stage of grief and become temperamental at home.
2. Anger and guilt
During this stage of grief, an adopted child may become angry at themselves, their birth parents, their adoptive parents or the authorities that were initially involved in their adoption. The pain of loss can manifest itself in feelings of despair and lack of self-worth. It is important that adoptive parents encourage their child to express their thoughts, listen and be attentive to relieve their feelings of anger and sadness.
A child's feelings of guilt may be a result of real or imagined neglect or harm that the lost parents must have experienced. An adopted child may feel that their birth caused their biological parents to suffer in some way. An adopted child may also feel guilty about their own feelings of love towards their birth parents.
3. Bargaining
During this stage of grief, an adopted child often will make a 'bargain' or a promise to never misbehave again. Research suggests that there are three aspects of the bargaining stage of grief:
- An adopted child may become passionate about the loss of their birth parents and as a result will need to talk about them excessively.
- An adopted child may exhibit a sense of expecting something to happen.
- An adopted child may demonstrate hyperactive behaviour.
4. Sadness and despair
This stage of grief tends not to last for a long period of time. It is important that adoptive parents encourage their child to express and talk about their feelings of sadness and despair.
5. Acceptance
During this stage, acceptance occurs when the adopted child has come to terms with the other stages of grief. Acceptance should bring a sense of balance for the adopted child, as the past and the present are integrated, and future possibilities can be faced with more confidence.
Grieving is a healing process. If an adopted child is not allowed to grieve their loss, they will be unable to recover from their loss. Acute grief is very powerful, but it does not tend to last for a long period of time. Loss is a major part of an adopted child's life. Adoptive parents need to understand and support their child's expression of their loss. Refer to the list of suggested reading for further information on the grief process.
Activity 6 - Soo's story
Soo was born in Korea and joined our family when she was eleven months old. As she grew, we shared with her that she had been adopted, that her birth parents were from Korea, and that she was a permanent part of our family. As a psychiatric nurse and the biological mother of two sons, I felt that I was an experienced, knowledgeable parent who would help her so that she would face few, if any, of the issues related to adoption. Besides, she was with us before she was even a year old.
Two incidents made clear to me how naïve I was about the impact of adoption on children.
The first happened when Soo was four years old. We were walking from our car to the library on an ice-covered sidewalk. I asked her to hold my hand and never one to miss a teaching moment, I asked her why I was having her hold my hand. I expected her to say so that she would not fall on the ice. Her reply was, 'So no-one will take me away'.
The second incident occurred when Soo was about six years old. A friend was visiting after having several weeks of difficulty with a colicky baby who was finally settling down. My friend said to me that in spite of the sleepless nights and fatigue, she loved her child and that he was a 'keeper'. My daughter was sitting at the table with us and she turned to me and said, 'I wasn't a keeper, was I?'
What had happened? At first glance, adoption seems to be such a win-win situation. Adoptive parents have a child to raise; the birth parents, who are unable to care for their child, know the child is cared for; and the adopted child has a family who wants them. Yet, even this situation presents unique challenges.
As I listened to Soo's doubts about being a 'keeper', I could no longer assume that having been adopted was really the same as growing up in a birth family.
In your learning journal, comment on the following questions:
Please think about and comment on the following questions:
- How would you embrace your child's differences within your family?
- How would you enhance your child's self-esteem and vulnerabilities to adjustment issues?
- How would you address your child's feelings of sadness about being adopted? Are there any particular strategies that you would use to assist your child in expressing how they feel?
- Last updated
- 19 October 2007