The impact of loss on birth parents
A parent who decides to place their child for adoption faces a myriad of losses, including the bond formed with their unborn child during pregnancy, forming a long-term relationship with their child, seeing their child grow and being an integral part of their life. Birth fathers also experience a range of emotions including worrying about their child's welfare, feelings of responsibility and affection for their child.
Placing a child for adoption is almost always a difficult and painful decision for the birth parents.
A reflection
My dear princess,
You may call this letter a personal history of your mother, who can never be forgiven by you.
I am 27 years old. I am the eldest in my family of two girls and one boy. After I graduated from high school, I studied hairdressing and am now working as a hairdresser. I committed such an unforgivable sin against you. There is nothing I could possibly say by way of an excuse, but I would like to write to you a little. If you can just understand me for having to send you away. You are such an adorable baby to me and I feel like my heart is tearing apart.
Your father lacked independence. He was a person who did not put his words into action. I could not depend on him for the rest of my life and so we had to go our separate ways. However, I decided not to blame him or hate him because he is the one who gave life to you and loved you. I just take this as my fate.
When I found out I was pregnant, I was overjoyed. Yet at the same time I began to worry, because I got pregnant before I was married to your father. I was afraid of how my parents would react. I was very scared and worried about the whole thing. One day I even decided to go to the hospital to have an abortion, but I did not have the courage to do it. I finally decided to keep you. After I made that decision, I felt peace inside my heart.
As you were growing in me and as I felt you moving inside of me, I realised the importance and the mystery of life. I was so thankful that you were healthy. After 12 long hours of labour pain, you were born at 7:10am. When I saw you for the first time, I totally forgot about all of the labour pain I had been through. You turned the mystery of life into reality for me.
Your angel-like face while sleeping, your sneezing, your crying, your resemblance to your father, your little hands and feet, your pink fingernails, eyebrows, nose, lips - all these things looked so lovely and pretty. You were such a pretty princess. But now I have to say goodbye.
I reproached myself for being so bad, and cried with my heart aching and tearing apart. I thought about raising you by myself, but it would be hard, especially in Korea where the Confucian ideas are deeply rooted in society. So I decided to send you to meet good parents who could make you happy. I was in agony and despair, but now I have decided to live just praying for you.
I do not have any excuses for all these things, even though you might hate me to the end. I do not have anything to say other than I am sorry. I am truly sorry. Wherever you end up, I hope you will grow to be a happy, healthy, kind and beautiful woman. I would like to ask you to be responsible for your given tasks and respect others. At the same time, voice your opinion with dignity so that you may overcome any difficulties in your life. Finally, I will not ask you to forgive me, the one who had to send you away like this. I just wish someday, when you get to be the age of a mother, you can understand me. From far away I will pray for your happiness, my beautiful princess. Good-bye.
Activity 5 - Understanding the impact of loss on birth parents
In your learning journal, comment on the following questions:
- Do you think there are any differences between birth parents placing their child for adoption overseas and birth parents placing their child for adoption in Australia? For example, do you think there are differences in the amount of social support they might receive or issues that may be faced?
- How would you feel about your adopted child wanting contact with their birth family?
- Do you think contact would benefit you and your adopted child?
- What issues do you believe adopted children will face if they are unable to establish contact with their birth family?
- Last updated
- 19 October 2007