Telling your child they are adopted
There is a significant amount of literature available about how and when to tell your child that they are adopted. The following suggestions are provided to help parents talk with their adopted child about their birth history:
- Why is telling your child about their birth history important?
- When do you tell your child about their birth history?
- What do you say when telling your child about their birth history?
- How do you talk about intercountry adoption?
- Important points to remember
- Activity 10 - Talking about adoption
Why is telling your child about their birth history important?
- Your child has a right to know that they are adopted.
- Your child needs to know as much information about their adoption as possible in order to develop their sense of identity.
- Keeping the past hidden means keeping secrets from your child. If your child accidentally uncovers past secrets, this may result in feelings of hurt, anger, disappointment or distrust. Your child may question why you have withheld this information and believe that you are ashamed of their birth history.
- A child may feel different from other family members, withdraw emotionally, and worry about what other information has been withheld from them.
- Healthy relationships between parents and their adopted children are built on honesty and openness.
When do you tell your child about their birth history?
- There is no particular 'right time' to tell your child that they are adopted. If adoptive parents waited for their child to be old enough to understand all of the issues involved, they would be waiting until adulthood.
- The earlier your child is told the better.
- Telling your child about their birth history is a gradual and repeated process. Explanations should become more detailed as your child's understanding of their adoption increases.
- It is your choice as to how, when and where you begin the discussion. You might choose a quiet and relaxed moment to sit together and talk, you may follow up on your child's comments about another family or you may use family photographs or your child's life story book as a way of introducing the subject.
- It is best that you talk privately with your child, away from other children or family members, as the information is very personal. Adoptive parents should never introduce such sensitive information in an argument.
- Take the plunge to talk about adoption with your child regardless of how hard it might feel at the time. Adoptive parents will need to prepare their reactions and be aware of their emotions. Remember to be patient, understanding and open whenever your child wishes to talk about their adoption.
What do you say when telling your child about their birth history?
- Be as honest as possible with your child even if they are very young.
- Tell your child as much as they are able to understand. There is no need to tell the whole story at once - some adoptive parents see this as an opportunity to get it 'over and done with'. Your child's birth history is not something to be dealt with in one conversation.
- Be prepared to answer your child's questions as they may forget information, become confused or just need to reconfirm some facts. Your child may ask "did my birth mother and father not love me?" or "do I have brothers and sisters?".
- Choose your words carefully and be conscious of your emotions when talking with your child. Your child will pick up on any negative feelings that you have about their birth parents.
- Use words that are easy for your child to understand and ensure that your child's birth family is not spoken of negatively in discussion. Any feelings that you have towards the birth parents are for you to deal with, not your child. Be realistic when answering questions and help your child understand a little about you and their birth parents.
- Be aware that questions your child may ask do not always reflect what they want to know. A child will often ask things in an indirect way. For example "did my mother not love me?" may be an opening to discuss their own feelings about their adoption, or it may be an enquiry about why they were placed in your family. Adoptive parents need to help a child identify what it is they want to know.
- It is alright to make mistakes. If you do not say what you intended to say the first time, there will be many opportunities in the future to discuss adoption.
- A child's willingness to keep asking questions shows that they understand the information and trust their adoptive parents to provide the answers.
How do you talk about intercountry adoption?
You can discuss the following topics about intercountry adoption:
- Why your child was placed for adoption.
- Why your child was not adopted within their country of origin or was not able to stay in their country of origin.
- Your child's birth history.
- Your child's country of origin, including information about the culture, people and language.
- Your own journey to adoption.
Important points to remember
- Just because your child is interested in learning their birth history does not mean they are unhappy at home or intending to search for their birth family.
- Some adoptive parents are fearful that ongoing questions will lead their child to have an unhealthy curiosity or interest in their origin. We would suggest that the reverse is true - if a child does not receive sufficient answers they will be more inclined to become preoccupied with their birth family.
- Do not be afraid to ask for help. Asking for help is a sign of strength rather than weakness, and by doing so adoptive parents are taking a positive step towards helping their adopted child.
Activity 10 - Talking about adoption
In your learning journal, comment on the following questions:
- What adoption issues are most likely to be important to an adopted child between birth to six years of age, six to ten years of age and above ten years of age?
- How do you think you will initially talk about adoption with your adopted child?
- How do you think you would help your child talk about their adoption to people outside of their family? Alternatively, how do you think you would help your child have the ability to refuse to talk about their adoption to people outside of their family?
- What resources would you access to assist you in talking to your child about adoption?
- Last updated
- 19 October 2007